I was 19 when I first had full-on sex with another man. I was at college, living in dorms, and the experience-aside from the usual horrifying awkwardness and somewhat spontaneity of the occasion-was completely and utterly unremarkable aside from one thing: the guy I slept with identified as straight. It was late or early, depending on your outlook on the world when I was joined by the boy who was living in the room next to mine, way back on the other side of the building. He was clearly intoxicated, but it was a party after all and who was I, quite drunk myself, to judge. The minutiae of exactly how things developed from us being together in that room to us having slightly unsuccessful sex in a bathroom in a different corridor have since escaped me. All I know is that one moment we were talking and the next minute, well Before that night, I had hardly been a nun.
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I felt, in my increasingly anxious and deflated state, that I was being left behind. My first year at college, apart from being grueling mentally, was hardly a sexual smorgasbord of one-night-stands and hook-ups.
Instead, I reverted to my teenage years, pining after straight boys who I knew I had no chance in hell with until that night. The boy told his then-girlfriend who I knew aboutsaying I had come on to him but that nothing had really happened.
Although one thing I can vividly remember was that it was quite literally the other way around, the visceral shock of being somewhat shoved back in the closet and denied the celebratory expungement of my virginity was palpable.
And while at the beginning I felt like I had the upper hand in the situation-I was the one who was out and comfortable in my sexuality, right?
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I never learned whether the boy I lost my virginity to was struggling with his sexuality. I realize I fell into that old gay adage of placing my feelings on a person who, for whatever reason, was never going to invest them back in me.
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Worst of all, though, the shame attad to the memories of those first times marred how I would approach sex for years. Bursting through that shame is our badge of honor, our beautifully united experience. And maybe, like the song says, that does sanctify our sex lives and makes us just a little bit holy.
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